The stories we tell...

Holy hell it is cold! I imagine this is the type of weather that Phil's friend had in mind when talking about exploding trees. See Phil's blog (The Lonely Wolf) if you want the whole story. It is a great read if I do say so myself - so familiar it is comforting.

This weather had made me resourceful. For the most part, I wear the same layers of long underwear, wool socks, and hat almost every day and sometimes at night too. Since Nichole always drives to school, I do not resist her offers to pick me up. Heck, by the time she gets to my place, her car is already toasty. Aside from the walk from my house to her car, there is only the briefest of moments when I am actually outside. I can go from the parking ramp, to the hospital, and to the 3 different buildings where my classes are held all through an elaborate tunnel system. It is AWESOME and it is also depressing. I like that I never have to get cold. The tunnel system is also very indirect so I can pretend that I am getting a workout by going to the coffee shop on a break. The main problem is that I am in the basement or sub-basement of buildings for 8 hours. I feel like a mole. And when I stare at my face in the fluorescent light of the cold bathrooms, I imagine myself becoming more and more pasty skinned. I long for spring!

And so too, I imagine, does this little girl:

Nichole and I were walking through the tunnel between the Visitor-Patient parking ramp and the medical complex at the U when we overheard a mom talking to her 3 year old daughter. They were getting ready to find their car.

The mom, in a whiny, baby voice says: Let's zip your coat. Do you want to know how cold it is?
The small child mumbled something as her mom bundled her up.
The mom then says, in the same voice: It is so cold that if you don't wear your mittens your fingernails will fall off.

Now when I was a child, I had a vivid imagination. I also believed everything my mother ever said to me. If I was this kid, I'd be terrified! Fingernails falling off?!? AH!

My men troubles.

I have been reading the first volume of Endgame: The Problem of Civilization, by Derrick Jensen, and I keep finding myself wanting to quote it at length to people. I think that is a sign I really like the book. In this book as well as in others, Jensen makes comparisons between our abusive culture and abusive personal relationships. It is funny how pieces of wisdom or clarity will sometimes present themselves to people at the most opportune times, when we are most able to hear them. At least this is how I feel about a passage from the "Love Does Not Imply Pacifism" chapter.

Jensen quotes R. D. Laing:

"If Jack succeeds in forgetting something [such as the fact that we have the responsibility - the obligation - to stop the horrors of civilization, and the ability to do so, if we choose to], this is of little use if Jill continues to remind him of it. He must induce her not to do so. The safest way would be not just to make her keep quiet about it, but to induce her to forget it also.

"Jack may act upon Jill in many ways. He may make her feel guilty for keeping on 'bringing it up.' He may invalidate her experience. This can be done more or less radically. He can indicate merely that it is unimportant or trivial, whereas it is important and significant to her. Going further, he can shift the modality of her experience from memory to imagination: 'It's all in your imagination.' Further still, he can invalidate the content: 'It never happened that way.' Finally, he can invalidate not only the significance, modality, and content, but her very capacity to remember at all, and make her feel guilty for doing so in the bargain.

"This is not unusual. People are doing such things to each other all the time. In order for such transpersonal invalidation to work, however, it is advisable to overlay it with a thick patina of mystification. For instance, by denying that this is what one is doing, and further invalidating any perception that it is being done by ascriptions of 'How can you think such a thing?' 'You must be paranoid.' And so on"

For me, this brings up memories of feeling very confused in my romantic relationships. It also reminds me of statements men have said to me such as "You must be really insecure," and "That never happened," or "I never said that." I've often felt like I've been in relationships where one of us must be insane simply because our stated realities were so different. I could not understand how someone could either lie that blatantly or perceive the world that differently.

Jensen goes on to write about how some people perceive the desire to stop offenses or cruelties (such as the poisoning of our planet) as a manifestation of a need for control:

I used to have this fear, too, that to affect another's behavior - even when that other is hurting me directly - is to be 'controlling.' But to believe this is to internalize the rhetoric and worldview of the abuser.

Years ago, if you recall, I was in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships, where the women would call me names, harangue me for days, and so on. When I'd ask them to stop they'd say I was trying to censor or control them.

Finally, a friend asked me, "What will it take for you to say 'Fuck you' to this woman and walk away?"

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"That would be rude."

"She's not being rude to you?"

"I don't want to put myself on the same level. I don't want to cross some sort of middle line between us. I can talk about things on my half..."

"Ah, you've been to counseling! You can say, 'When you call me names, it makes me feel bad,' but you can't say, 'Cut this shit out!' then hang up the phone..."

"Hanging up on someone is unacceptable."

"So it's okay for her to perpetrate unacceptable behavior on you, but you aren't allowed to call her on it, nor even to absent yourself? That's crazy."

I opened my mouth to say something, then shut it, then opened it again, then clamped it shut.

That very night the woman called and began haranguing me. I said "Fuck you!" and hung up the phone. (Unfortunately, and this reveals how stupid denial makes us, it took me quite a while longer to figure out that after hanging up on her I didn't have to answer when she called back! It didn't take much longer than that, though, for me to realize that not only did I not need to answer the phone, I could simply not allow anyone to harangue me. If the do, I kick them out of my life. What a concept!)

When reading these passages, as well as many others in this book, I felt like Jensen was writing directly to me. Or maybe even about me. Is this really a common experience as Laing suggests? Often times in relationships when I would experience this I felt like I was just not expressing myself well enough, that if I could better explain how some action made me feel then the person could acknowledge it and make amends, or, I would hope, that they would stop doing what was making me feel bad. I didn't understand why that never worked. Actually removing myself from the situation or relationship (most times) never occurred to me.

This also causes me to look at the relationship people have with civilization and how it is tied to our personal relationships. Maybe this type of dysfunction and unhappiness in personal relationships is so common because we have never addressed our overbearing relationship with our civilization. I think a critical awareness of these experiences and relationships can help me to not get stuck in the familiar routine of confusion and unhappiness.

oh these men...

This week's Real Time with Bill Maher featured everyone's favorite sex advisor talking about his trip down to South Carolina to interview Huckabee supporters.



How can you not love Dan Savage?

LARRY SISTERMAN!!!

My old buddy made it big! He is Upset Stomach!

I blogged it, so it must be true!

My new year's resolutions, starting the day (after for the crappy shot) of my 28th year:

1. NO MORE SHOTS!!! I just can't do it folks. My body refuses. Ew.
2. No more pop. Diet Coke does call to me once in a while, but NO! My ethics refuse.
3. No more fast food. This isn't going to be too hard, but I realized that it becomes way more tempting for me when I am borrowing Cate's car for a few weeks.

I think that about covers it. I don't want to say stuff I won't actually do. And by blogging it, it's pretty much like writing it in stone. I can't go back now! There should be a lesser category though because I do want to collect more warm clothes so that I can bike more days of the year. Unfortunately, this requires money and/or tougher ovaries. I'm stilling working up the courage though! Don't lose faith! I also want to eat more locally and shop mainly at the co-op and global market. This also takes money and diligence, but I have more faith in this than in the winter biking. We shall see.

Birthday Bliss

My dear friend Robyn sent this to me for my B-day:

Thanks Robyn! I love it! Especially since I just watched that movie a few times last week. I am also usually not a big Zach G fan, but a huge Maria B fan so this is helping to broaden my comedic horizons.

Last night was very fun ladies, very fun. Except I never want to do another shot EVER again. One was completely way too many. I got smashed over a shot of tequila (typing that hurts almost as much as it did to drink it) and a very delish margarita. My stomach is not happy. This lead me to fall asleep at a wee hour of 9:30! I know, I know, what a rock star. However I now know what it is like to be my grandpa. I woke up at 4am! I am completely awake. WTF? This is not a good lifestyle. There is nothing to do at 4am. I am so bored.

OMG!!! New MB!!!

OB! BO! BM! AH!

sweet sweet mel

Yeppers, I found Mel's blog. Her awesomely fantastic video blog!
Mel, sometimes known as Kristen Schaal, also goes by the name of Penelope: Princess of Pets:


And just for fun, some All My Exes lesbian flair: